a possible history of geoff kessell

* a possible history of geoff kessell

Geoff Kessell was born in a suburban American house during the Year of the Lima Bean.

His early years were spent learning basic motor skills and the intricate workings of the civil service industries. One day at age six, while playing his favorite game "Postman" with a neighbor friend, a bizarre mix-up occurred and he found himself lost in the Seregheti region of Africa and was adopted by a family of English-speaking llamas.

While being raised by his four-legged family he was instructed in the mystical ways of the Dolly Llama, who gave Geoff his first guitar, a wind-up Mickey-"Mousegetar."

At age eleven he performed the standard rite of passage for his articulate, hirsute tribe and spent many arduous days and nights stranded atop a remote mountain where he succeeded in achieving the height of llama nirvana by writing a complete opera using only "knock knock" jokes.

At the doorstep of manhood Geoff was sent on a pilgrimage to the ancient village of Levittown where he studied the traditional arts of formica cutting and casserole preparation. It was there he also found the muse that would carry him into adulthood.

Living just doors from Geoff in a quaint, quasi-colonial cottage was legendary songstress Mrs. Miller,who immediately recognized the young man's gift for a snappy tune. The singing siren took him under her wing and gave him the powerful voice he needed to parlay his songs to an eager public. It was her leverage in the entertainment industry that landed the fledgling performer what would turn out to be a three year gig at the legendary Gristle Room at the Sparkles Casino in Reno, Nevada. During this time Geoff shared the stage with greats like Judy Lynn, The Shmenge Brothers, The de Castro Sisters and of course his good friend and musical cohort Senor Wences. He also found time to record a catalog of albums surpassed in number only by The King (Elvis) himself. So popular was Geoff that Elvis once sent him a bottle of Thunderbird Wine for his Birthday with a note attached containing the cryptic message "I may be The King but you are the Highness."

- Kessell's Legendary "Reno Mafia" -

The year was 1979 and Geoff Kessell was riding the crest of a stellar career. After a record one hundred and twenty three appearances on the Bozo The Clown show, fifty two aluminum records and an exhaustive tour that took him all the way from Nevada to Ohio, Geoff announced to a stunned public that he was retiring. Never one to rest on his laurels, Kessell decided it was time to try something new and put away the guitar to pursue a career in plate spinning. "The Dolly Llama always told me, don't settle for just the cake when you can spin the plate too," he said. For the next several years he performed to ever smaller audiences at state fairs and pizza parlors. Still, he said "I've never been happier. I think I've truly found my calling."

Fast forward a few years and fifteen thousand broken plates later and once again Geoff returned his attention to the thing that first brought him into the spotlight - his music. Kessell boarded a plane and headed back to the place it started and his fuzzy, four-legged family. He spent an intensive three days practicing his craft and deep mosaic meditation with the Dolly Llama.

Upon returning to the U.S. Kessell again put a spin on entertainment world by unveiling his hot new boy-group "Boyz 'n' Barrys" - a teenage singing and dancing sensation that specialized in performing songs by people named Barry. Unfortunately the project was met with tepid response by all the artists they wanted to cover except SSGT. Barry Sadler, and you can only do so many versions of "The Ballad Of The Green Beret."

Some Barry's who said NO ---

Disillusioned and desperate to get his musical vision back in the public eye Geoff hunkered down and decided if it was gonna get done he would have to do it himself. That brings us to the present and Geoff is back, rested and ready to rock the roof off the music world. He has at least five new songs and a forthcoming album of polka-rap interpretations of his old classics like "I Used To Like Almond But Now I Like Peanut Butter," "Mama Told Me Not To Eat The Brown Grass" and his international smash hit "International Smash Hit." He'll be touring extensively wherever he can get away with it. Catch him now while the magic is still alive.

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All characters in this biography are fictitious, except Geoff Kessell, Mrs. Miller, The de Castro Sisters, Senor Wences, Elvis, SSGT. Barry Sadler, Barry Gibb, Barry Goudreau and Barry White. All situations are, as far as anyone's saying, based on facts overheard by an elderly, hard-of-hearing woman at a bus station. No llamas were injured in the writing of this biography.

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