* musaic: a beginning guide to the sounds of geoff kessell
 

. intro / she will cry in time (5)
. the big apology (3)
. when love blows away (1)
. the voice of love (edit) (2)
. the ladder of distress (5)
. mr. cryptic (3)
. don't let them ride (1)
. dear cupid (work demo) (4)
. taking things to extremes (2)
. interlude 3 (my first pet) / as you do (1)
. the consummate under-achiever (3)
. big autumn (5)
. thank heaven (for LOVE) (2)
. dead valentine's day (1)
. absent-friended mind (3)
. melody (work demo) (5)
. jinxless (2)
. half a chance (1)
. falling in slow motion (work demo) (4)
. land-locked (3)
. always looking on the black side (1)
. my reasons (2)
. dream only of you (3)

* she will cry in time
she told you she didn't want you.
that was her crime
'cos you know my friend
that she will cry in time.
she told you it was over
long before she said.
now sit back and watch her
lose her pretty head.
    'cos she will cry in time.
she bites every hand that feeds
but still that's not enough for her.
she will die from that greed
now it's her turn to suffer.
she told lies with your name
don't you know none of it's true.
don't for a second think it's a shame
what she will go through.
    'cos she will cry in time.
        and when the tears start to flow
        she will know
        that the best thing she has had
        was the thing that she let go.
        when the loneliness hits
        she won't be able to forget
        that the only good habit she had
        was the only one that she quit.
she told you she didn't want you
that was her crime
'cos you know my friend
that she will cry in time.
    she will cry in time.

* the big apology
apology for every time i've been a jerk.
apology for every time i thought this might not work.
apology for every doubt i ever had.
apology for every time i made you mad.
apology for when i don't say "i love you."
apology for any pain i put you through.
apology for thinking you could not love me.
apology for this big apology.
    this is my big apology
    sent with love to you from me.
    this is my big apology
    to say i love you and i'm glad you love me.
apology for all the stupid things i say.
apology for not being happy every day.
apology for being over-serious.
apology for ever fearing us.
apology for not being honest all the time.
apology for putting our problems into rhyme.
apology for my insecurity.
apology for this big apology.
    this is my big apology
    sent with love to you from me.
    this is my big apology
    to say i love you and i'm glad you love me.
apology for every time that i've been wrong.
apology for when i ramble on too long.
apology for my insanity.
apology for this big apology.

* when love blows away
he tells her it will be forever
but he knows it will never last.
he says “I will always be there with you”
he says “I will always be there for you”
but he knows forever goes by fast.
    someone will be crying in their coffee tonight.
    someone will feel the chill
    when love blows away (with the autumn leaves)
    when love blows away (you don't know what to believe)
    when love blows away with the autumn leaves
he reads the letter with shaking hands
and sits there waiting for retribution.
he doesn't believe his eyes,
he shakes his head and wonders why;
spends the next three years searching for a solution
    someone will be crying in their coffee tonight.
    someone will feel the chill
    when love blows away (with the autumn leaves)
    when love blows away (you don't know what to believe)
    when love blows away with the autumn leaves
he tells her it will be forever
but he knows it will never last.
    someone will be crying in their coffee tonight.
    someone will feel the chill
    when love blows away (with the autumn leaves)
    when love blows away (you don't know what to believe)
    when love blows away with the autumn leaves

* the voice of love
    I was dreaming in a field when
    the voice of love revealed itself to me.
    I must say I was surprised.
    love always seemed to compromise
    when it came to me.
    it spoke in riddles and in rhymes
    that at first took me some time to comprehend.
    it told me if I didn't try to figure out love
    then I would understand.
it said: “Love is everything you ever wanted,
all the things you thought you never would find,
but if you try to take love for granted
it will leave you behind.
love is bigger than any planet,
still you can hold it in the palm of your hand
but if you attempt to plan it,
it'll slip through your fingers like sand”.
    I was dreaming in a field when
    the voice of love revealed itself to me.
    I must say I was surprised.
    love always seemed to compromise
    when it came to me.
    the more that it spoke
    the more my fear broke and I began to see.
    it told me if I didn't try to analyze love
    it would be clear to me.
it said: "Love is a thousand course ice cream banquet;
every birthday gift-wrapped into one,
but if you never stop to thank it,
it'll take back it's gifts and spoil your fun.
love is a million story elevator.
it'll take you higher than you've ever been before
but if you don't maintain it,
minutes later you'll be stuck back on the bottom floor".
    I was dreaming in a field when
    the voice of love revealed itself to me.
    I must say I was surprised,
    love always seemed to compromise
    when it came to me.
    by the time it ended it's lesson
    my fear of love had lessened steadily.
    the final words that it said
    still echo through my head continually.
        it said: “love will endure if your love is pure”
    I was dreaming in a field when
    the voice of love revealed itself to me...
    love will endure if your love is pure...

* the ladder of distress
what good is knowing
what good is believing
when all that i'm shown
is so misleading?
what good is working
and what good is struggling
when there's always some jerk
who's still above me
    on the ladder of distress
what good is laughing
and what good is crying
when there's always some bastard
who'll tell me i'm not trying?
what good is learning
and what good is caution
when all that i'm earning
is a position
    on the ladder of distress
        dreams turn to nightmares, so they say
        but i wouldn't have it any other way.
        i suffer fools madly and bite off my tongue
        only to get old while i'm still young.
what good is wishing
and what good is hoping
when everything nice
is so easily broken?
what good is bitching
what good is complaining
when there's always
one rung remaining
    on the ladder of distress

* mr. cryptic
    call me mr. cryptic.
    i'd forgotten to say how i feel anymore.
    i wrote it down and hid it in a drawer.
    didn't you find it?
    i'm mr. cryptic.
i told you i care with semaphore signs.
i displayed my affection with metaphoric pantomimes.
i wrote it all down in between the lines,
had it perfect-bound with the words stuck in the spine.
didn't you read it?
call me mr. cryptic.
    call me mr. cryptic.
    i'd forgotten to say how i feel anymore.
    i'm mr. cryptic.
i exorcised my past through interpretive dance.
expressed my fears through irrational ravings and rants.
i showed my attention as a nervous glance
and bared my soul in muttered words, moans and pants.
didn't you hear it?
call me mr. cryptic.
    call me mr. cryptic.
    i'd forgotten to say how i feel anymore.
    i'm mr. cryptic.
        even though i know it's wrong,
        i put my apology in this song.
i wrote out my confession in invisible ink.
i chained my heart to you with the missing links.
didn't you feel it?
    call me mr. cryptic.
    i'd forgotten to say how i feel anymore.
    i wrote it down and hid it in a drawer.
    didn't you find it?
    i'm mr. cryptic.

* don’t let them ride
white flowers - it is deliverance day
white flowers - it is their evil day
and in the future you can say you saw the clouds today
black flowers - it is repentance day
black flowers - it is their holy day
and if there’s a future we will play
in the flowers of this day
    the land and the sea belong to you and me
    don’t sit and watch them burn
    just because they never learn
    the land and the sea belong to you and me
    don’t let it all burn just because they never learn
        don’t let them ride

* dear cupid
Dear Cupid - it's so hard to say what I have to say
'cos I know I must end our relationship after today
It's something I've thought about for a long time
and now I know I've made up my mind
    Cupid - this is my "Dear John" to you.
Dear Cupid - I'm sorry to break things off in such an impersonal way
but I know it would be too hard for me to do it face to face
You've tried so hard to make thing work
perhaps I'm just a hopeless jerk
   Cupid - This is my "Dear John" letter  to you.
        Don't telephone - cause I know it's best for me to be alone
        Don't come around - cause I'll hide behind the curtains and I won't make a sound
        Cupid - It's best to just forget about me.
Dear Cupid - I'm sorry that we have to part
but I don't think I could take another broken heart
I know you'll be fine without me
there are plenty more crabs in the sea
    Cupid - this is my "Dear John" letter to you.
    Don't try to write - 'cause I'm not giving in - You know I'm gonna fight
    Don't knock on my door - 'cause I've fallen for your promise before
    Cupid - it's best to admit we tried and failed.
    Dear Cupid - this is my "Dear John" letter to you.

* taking things to extremes
I strike a match on my skin
to try to spark some inspiration.
but all these idiots “axing” questions
just add to my frustration.
I’d like to ax their heads right off
but that's just my impatience.
the problem lies much deeper
than the depth of conversation.
    because it all connects
    and it all splits at the seams and
    I say “I could hit you”
    but it's only me taking things to extremes.
we're busy lighting fires
to avoid enlightened communication.
endless white noise and psycho babble
took the art from articulation.
words just get in the way of
instant gratification.
complete thoughts are too dangerous
so we speak in abbreviations.
    then it all comes to a head
    and it all builds up steam.
    I say “I could kick you”
    but it's only me taking things to extremes.
    and it all feels right
    when it's all not as it seems.
    I say “I could kiss you”
    but it's only me taking things to extremes.
    so it all has an end
    and it all has a means.
    I say “I could kill you” but it's only me
    taking things to extremes.
it all has an end and it all has a means.
it's only me taking things to extremes.
it all feels right when it all
splits at the seams.
it's only me taking things to extremes.
it all connects and it all builds up steam.
it's only me taking things to extremes.

* as you do
She said “pop stars are such hypocrites.”
I said “that’s why I strive for obscurity.”
She said “oh, you’re so full of shit!”
I said “I know, it’s my one security.”
    even with my hands tied behind my back
    I could still be as inept as you.
    with both hands free
    I still couldn’t have as much success as you do.
She said “you’re such a lazy bum.”
I said “no, I’m just... waiting.”
She said “sometimes you seem so dumb.”
I said “quiet, can’t you see I’m concentrating!”
    even with my tongue tied in knots
    I could make more sense than you do.
    with my mouth open wide
    I could never have as much confidence as you do.
        the masses want mannequins groomed to perfection
        - I’m clumsy and plain.
        the people want plastic programmed performers
        but I don’t even have an initial in my name.
    even with my hands tied behind my back
    I could still be as inept as you.
    with both hands free
    I still couldn’t have as much success as you do.

* the consummate under-achiever
    i tried to be the consummate under-achiever
    but i could not stay motivated to see it through.
    i tried to be the ultimate non-believer
    but i lost my faith in that when I met you.
you saw right through me
like superman with x-ray eyes.
You saw the shoeshine boy
behind the underdog disguise.
    i tried to be the consummate under-achiever
    but i could not stay motivated to see it through.
    i tried to be the ultimate non-believer
    but i lost my faith in that when I met you.
your love cut right through
the ice surrounding me.
you thawed my frozen veins
with your open-hearted surgery.
    i tried to be the consummate under-achiever
    but i could not stay motivated to see it through.
    i tried to be the ultimate non-believer
    but i lost my faith in that when I met you.
        i can never find the words
        to tell you what your
        love is worth to a pauper like me.
        i can never write the lines
        that clearly define
        what I feel inside.
    i tried to be the consummate under-achiever
    but i could not stay motivated to see it through.
    i tried to be the ultimate non-believer
    but i lost my faith in that when I met you.

* big autumn
i'll tell you something i hope you'll understand
i look so tiny in your hand
so safe, so silent, so secure
i'm afraid to be involved in something so pure
    understand why i feel this way
    october saturday
    walk away from what you hear
    but it's my favorite time of year
        i feel so restrained when you don't hold me
        the times when we're together
        are the only times i'm free
        you got the leaves shaking off the trees
        when you're next to me
        october in your blood
        to dry us up after the flood
i'll show you something or should i put it away
i'd sell my soul to make you stay
tell me everything, nothing sticks
my senses are so far off my hands are like bricks
    understand why i get so vague
    october saturday
    am i too determined or too insincere
    it's my favorite time of year
        my throat goes dry every time you speak
        every time you stand my knees go weak
        you got the wind blowing wildly
        when you lie with me
        october in your blood
        to dry us up after the flood
        i feel so restrained when you don't hold me
        the times when we're together
        are the only times i'm free
        you got the wind blowing wildly
        when you lie with me
        october in your blood
        to dry us up after the flood

* thank heaven (for LOVE)
I wasn't looking for anything.
I wasn't looking for anyone.
I just wanted to dance all night
and have some fun.
I wasn't looking for love.
I wasn't even looking for
a one-night stand.
next thing I know I'm sitting next to you
holding your sweet hand.
    well, thank heaven for miracles.
    thank heaven above.
    thank heaven for miracles.
    thank heaven for LOVE!
I’d seen you a dozen times,
never even said “hello”.
I didn't want to use a worn out line.
how was I to know
that I would fall for you so quickly,
that you would fall for me?
from now on I want it strictly
to be just you and me.
    well, thank heaven for miracles.
    thank heaven above.
    thank heaven for miracles.
    thank heaven for LOVE!
        there must've been an angel that night.
        there must've been an angel watching over us ‘
        cause nothing ever felt so right.
I wasn't looking for love
or even a one-night stand,
now I'm holding your sweet hand.
    thank heaven for miracles.
    thank heaven above.
    thank heaven for miracles.
    thank heaven for LOVE!

* dead valentine’s day
waking up at six in the morning
- see you lying on the floor.
I give you my last warning
as you shut the bathroom door.
you primp and preen like you’re in a movie
but you still look a shade of grey.
your apologies don’t move me
    this is dead valentine’s day.
crawl to the tape recorder
to hear what you said last night.
try to get your thoughts in order
but nothing seems to come out right.
you “hmm & haw” like a politician
- but you still have nothing to say.
I have made my decision
    this is dead valentine’s day.
        smile at me while I shut the door.
        let me remember how I wish you were.
        my heart’s not the only thing that’s sore
        but it’s certainly the only thing you left pure!
hot coffee & a cold shoulder
make a person feel so much older.
bad dreams and good riddance
- I’m throwing you out and I’m getting a kitten
who’s claws won’t dig as deep as yours
and like you won’t obey.  don’t think of this as divorce
    it’s just dead valentine’s day.

* absent-friended mind (for mary)
i never was good at saying “goodbye.”
i never was worse at it than with you.
i let you go without batting an eye
because I didn't want to face what i knew i'd go through.
i could have sent you a letter.
i could have called on the phone.
i could have handled it so much better.
i could have shown you i have grown,
    but it was my choice not to deal with it.
    i stupidly pushed you aside.
    now it's my choice to live with it;
    to break down & cry or keep it inside.
in my trials i turned to you.
you pulled me through some bad ones,
but once i learned to get by without you
i denied that you, yourself might have some.
i could have said “i'm here for you.”
i could have offered a hand.
i could have stayed near for you.
i could have tried to understand.
    but it was my choice not to deal with it.
    i stupidly pushed you aside.
    now it's my choice to live with it;
    to break down & cry or keep it inside.
        i know it sounds like self-pity but
        it'll do no good to beat myself up.
        if you were here now with me
        i'd say “i love you. i'm sorry.”
i never was good at saying “goodbye.”
i never was worse at it than with you.
    ‘cause it was my choice not to deal with it.
    i stupidly pushed you aside.
    now it's my choice to live with it;
    because despite my choice you still died.
    now it's my choice to deal with it
    because i stupidly pushed you aside.
    it's my choice to live with it
    because i can no longer keep it inside.
i'm sorry.  i love you.

* melody
melody, what has it come to
when i can't even touch you?
you say your mother's listening at the door
but you have used that one before.
come on melody, you can't fool me.
melody what is the problem?
tell me your troubles so we can solve them.
you say it's nothing and you turn away
just like you did yesterday.
come on melody, you can tell me.
    why am i here if it's not for me and you?
    what am i doing if it's not all that i can do?
    oh melody
melody, why are you crying?
i mean those things, i wasn't lying.
i know you've heard it before
but you don't have to be afraid anymore.
come on melody, you can trust me.
    why am i here if it's not for me and you?
    what am i doing if it's not all that i can do?
        there's a big old sun up in the sky
        waiting to shine on you
        come on and dry your eyes
        and let the sun shine through
    why am i here if it's not for me and you?
    what am i doing if it's not all that i can do?
    oh melody

* jinxless
distance won't even keep us apart.
I know that sounds cliché.
what I mean is I know that right here
in my heart this love will always stay.
    and I know it's a risk to say such things.
    and I don't want to be a jinx
    but I've never been so sure before.
    and I know there's a danger in such ideas
    but I can't be run by jaded fears.
    I'm a hopeless romantic, that's for sure.
the future can only bring us happiness.
I know there's no way to know,
what I mean is
every new day we spend together
can only help our love grow.
    and I know it's a risk to say such things
    and I don't want to be a jinx.
    I've never been so sure before.
    and I know that I could regret these words
    but they aren't the worst I've ever heard.
    I've never been so in love before.
distance won't even keep us apart.
I know that sounds cliché.
What I mean is I know that right here
in my heart this love will always stay.
    and I know it's a risk to say such things
    and I don't want to be a jinx
    but I've never been so in love before.

* half a chance
   Just give me, just give me, joust give me half a chance
you see me and I see you
- we’re playing all the party games.
you know me and I know you
- we’re not even past first names.
it’s all the same tricks-new lines and tongue trips
in the end we’ll both pretend
but I know something better.
    Just give me, just give me, joust give me half a chance
you feel me and I feel you
- we both have the same thing in mind.
you want me and I want you
- we’re two of the flirting kind.
it’s all old news - afterwards we both feel used.
a quick release won’t bring us peace
but I know something better.
    Just give me, just give me, joust give me half a chance
        it may fall apart, it may never work
        but we’ll never find out if we don’t try.
you’ll love me and I’ll love you
- it happens every now and then.
you’ll hold me and I’ll hold you
- we’ll say “it’s till the end.”
it’s nothing too extreme
- it’s not what it might seem.
you can doubt what I’m about
but I know something better.
    Just give me, just give me, joust give me half a chance

* falling in slow motion
There you were - the romantic gymnastic.
There you were - with your parallels and unevens.
and I, I could never balance it out
No I, I could never make the jump
    because I was falling in slow motion
    I was falling in slow motion.
    I was falling in slow motion.
There you were - the emotional theatric.
There you were - with your blocking and scripts.
But I, I could never get the lines
No I, I could never make my cue
    because I was falling in slow motion
    I was falling in slow motion.
    I was falling in slow motion.
There you were - the intellectual beggar.
There you were - with your logic and pleas.
And I, I could never give enough.
No I, I could only help you starve.
    because I was falling in slow motion
    I was falling in slow motion.
    I was falling in slow motion.

* land-locked
i'm standing alone in the heat.
it wraps itself ‘round me like a thick woolen blanket.
i want to admit defeat,
find some place else and pull up my anchor.
somewhere cool and serene,
where the weather agrees with my emotions.
instead i'm stuck here between
east and west coasts in this
    midwestern ocean.
me and all the other beached fish
wait for autumns' cool breezes to blow,
but no matter how hard we wish
there're still months to wait
for the ice and the snow;
so we wade through the wet salty air,
cover our bodies in sun-block and lotion;
try to pretend we don't care
as we drown on dry land in this
    midwestern ocean.
        land-locked in every direction.
        dry-docked with no protection.
        mother natures' unwilling slaves,
        riding the crest of the crashing heatwave.
i close my eyes and dive under,
possessed by some demented sense of devotion.
on days like this wonder
why i stay drifting here in this
    midwestern ocean.

* always looking on the black side
you say you’ll always care for me.
you say you’ll always kill for me.
I’m flattered - but the answer’s still no!
you say you’ll make me happy,
well, I can’t stop from laughing.
that shows how little about me you really know.
    if I could turn off my mind for just one day
    I might see things in a brighter way.
    if could smile and say I like things this way...
    but I’m always looking on the black side.
the truth - it always hurts.
you’ve seen me at my worst
- it doesn’t get much better.
you say you’ll do anything -
hello! - aren’t you listening;
nothing you do could ever matter.
    if I could turn off my mind for just one day
    I might see things in a brighter way.
    if I could smile and say I like things this way...
    but I’m always looking on the black side.
you say you’ll always care for me.
I’m flattered - but the answer’s still no.

* my reasons
when the days get lost in confusion
I think of you. you give me direction.
and I don't know where I was
before I found you
but I know I don't ever want to go back.
when I'm wrestling with temptation
I think of you.
you give me determination.
and I don't know
where I’d end up without you
but I know I don't ever want to find out.
and every time we're apart
there's a voice inside my heart
and it reminds me
of my reasons for loving you.

* dream only of you
    i want to lay under the stars,
    imagine that i am far away
    and dream only of you.
    i want to hold you beneath the moon,
    tell you the reasons why i swoon
    and dream only of you.
it's so hard these days
to keep a smile on my face
when the world tries to pull it into a frown.
it's so hard sometimes
for me to stay upbeat
with so much shit coming down. that's why
    i want to lay under the stars,
    imagine that i am far away
    and dream only of you.
    i want to hold you beneath the moon,
    tell you the reasons why i swoon
    and dream only of you.
it's so hard for me
to think above the noise
of empires collapsing around us.
it's so hard sometimes
for me to face society
so full of greed and mistrust. that's why
    i want to lay under the stars,
    imagine that i am far away
    and dream only of you.
    i want to hold you beneath the moon,
    tell you the reasons why i swoon
    and dream only of you.



. all songs by geoff kessell except "big autumn" by driscoll/fitzgerald/kessell/knipp; "melody" & "dead valentine's day" by kessell/driscoll
. all sounds by geoff kessell except
  mark easter: drums on "she will cry in time" & "dead valentine's day"
  andy driscoll: violin on the "ladder of distress;" bass guitar on "big autumn;" violin, mandolin & bass guitar on "dead valentine's day"
  drew fitzgerald: drums on "big autumn"
. all songs recorded at home except "don't let them ride" recorded at gsi; "melody" basic tracks recorded at kdhx
. track origins
  (1) pop-gun - originally released 1995
  (2) instant karma-sutra - originally released 1997
  (3) songs for a caustic guitar - originally released 2000
  (4) demo for the forthcoming album next stop, willoughby
  (5) exclusive to this disc
. thanks to andy, dad, drew, gary, jennifer, jordan, marc, mark, michael k, mike g, mom, rick, steve e, thomas, todd, and all the others who have been part of the happening over the years.
. special thanks to john for chronic happy thoughts.
. layout and design by geoff kessell, featuring images by john rutledge, jennifer silverberg & marc moder.

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